Unappreciation

There's all sorts of research out there that says when you praise kids, be sure to be specific. Highlight what you want to reinforce. Generic praise ("That was super") doesn't get the job done like specifics ("I really appreciated the way you picked that trash up in the parking lot today. It wasn't yours, and no one asked you to do it. You saw something that needed to be done, and you did it. That's classy.").

Specific. Details matter.

If you want your child or student to keep up a desirable behavior, praise it. Last week when I was cleaning tables in the school cafeteria, there were three boys still sitting at the table waiting for their teacher. There was a big, white napkin still sitting on the table as well as straw wrappers. I knew the trash wasn't theirs - these are boys who clean up their stuff - but the trash needed to be thrown away, and the kids are responsible to clean off their own tables. So I asked the boys to clean it up. Immediately, two of them protested: "But, that's not mine." The third reached over (he was the farthest from the mess, and therefore the least likely of the three to have left it) and picked the things up and threw them in the trash. I gave him 5 blessings (in simplest terms, positive "points" for good choices and good behavior). He stopped in his tracks. "Five? I've never been given that many at one time before."

"Attitude matters," I told him.

It wasn't his mess, but he cleaned it up and he did it with a good attitude. I wanted it contrast his choices with those of his friends. The attitude was more important to me than the clean up at that point. I was specific about what was praiseworthy; I hope it made an impact.

Last week I was on the receiving end of non-specific "appreciation." I'll give the individual the benefit of the doubt (which feels generous - I'm still quite frustrated over the whole thing) and say the intention was to make me feel appreciated and included, but the content of the message made it quite clear that the individual has no earthly idea what I do. Instead of making me feel warm and fuzzy about the appreciation, I felt wounded, angry and belittled.

Details matter. If you are going to reach out to someone in a genuine way, if you want someone to feel cared for or encouraged or loved, be sure you know what you are talking about. Be accurate. Be specific. Otherwise, instead of making something better, you just might make it worse.

Ten Bible Verses for Encouragement

These are some verses and passages I go back to time and time again.

• Ephesians 2:10 - For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do
• Romans 5:3-5 - Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
• Psalm 16
• Romans 12:10 (NRSV) -  love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor. (I love the whole section from vs 9 through vs. 21)
• Galatians 6:9-10 -  Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.
• Philippians 2:14-16 - Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing.
• John 14:1-3 - “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come backand take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.
• Hebrews 12:2 -  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
• Psalm 30
• 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 - Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts usin all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

What are your favorite verses for encouragement?

Things I Love Right Now: Labels

A few years ago I noticed our school principal using address labels in a creative way. Rather than putting an address on them, she put an encouraging message.

Brilliant!

It took me years to do anything with this great idea.

We'll see how these work this year - I have one Happy Birthday set, two sets with the Six Traits of Writing (I can use them on student work and highlight or circle the trait(s) they are doing well), and one with an "I'm proud of you" message. I'm excited about the potential connection with students that can come from these little stickers!

The Nicest Thing

Another journalling question from Cheaper by the Dozen.


What is the nicest thing someone has recently said to you? Why did the compliment matter?


After a day of meetings at my new job, a co-worker popped her head into the library and said, "I appreciate you."


I have no idea what prompted her to say it. I am always self-conscious after events like that one, afraid that I talked too much, feeling a little like an outsider still, wondering where I fit in. 


This is a woman I hold in high regard. She has scads of experience that she offers in a gracious, helpful way. She is a professional, taking her role - but not herself - seriously. She is organized. She follows and enforces the rules. She is classy. And she said she appreciates me.


I don't know if it was prompted by something I did or something I said or if it was just a general word of encouragement, but I really appreciated it.