Guilt. Failure.

I made a mistake recently. Not a huge one. I might have made a friend angry; at the least, I annoyed her a great deal, but I'm pretty sure she is still my friend. I didn't mean to annoy or anger her. I made some assumptions that were faulty, and I greatly inconvenienced her. I felt horrible afterwards. I apologized at the time and will likely apologize again the next time I see her. But I felt horrible.

Really horrible. I couldn't let it go. My stomach was in knots for hours afterwards. I kept thinking about what I did and how I wished I could undo it - make different choices that would have led to a less awkward situation. I tried to put it behind me - I couldn't fix it. What was done was done. But still, I stewed. I kept kicking myself over and over and over and over as if I had to punish myself for a certain block of time before I could absolve myself. The stewing was like my penance. I was paralyzed by this situation and my guilt.

When I thought about it, I realized it wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be. I didn't physically injure this person, I didn't say something hateful. I inconvenienced her - my timing was really bad. But that was the extent of my sin - bad timing, inconvenience, unintentional thoughtlessness. But the feeling of failure and deep guilt were like I had done something grievous.

No matter how rationally I could think through the situation, I couldn't move past it. Finally I started writing it all down. I had only a small piece of paper, so I just wrote and wrote, on both sides, over the print that was already on the paper. When I filled every space, I wrote over my own writing again. I wrote my actions and the consequences and my guilt and then I just wrote "guilt," and "failure" over and over and over again. I don't know that anyone else could have read what was on that paper when I was done. It felt good to get it out of myself and onto paper. Then I tore that paper into little pieces and threw it in the trash. Finally, I felt like I had released some of that guilt.

Isn't that weird? That an error in judgement could grab hold of me so tightly that I couldn't let it go? I know I am a perfectionist. I've blogged before that I have a self-concept that says I only matter when I get things right. This was some sort of super-sized example of that. I didn't get this situation "right," and it meant I was a complete, irredeemable failure.  I don't know if this was a spiritual exercise in forgiveness or fighting perfectionism - something that God is going to have me dealing with over the next few months - or if it is just a sign of fatigue that comes at this time of year. Whatever it is, I am hopeful that I can deal more healthily with my failures in the future.

Bible Apps

I have plenty of spiritual books and devotionals in my house. I go through seasons where I dig them out, set them by my bed with a notebook and a Bible. I use them a couple times before they become just a pile of things I have to move if I want a pair of socks from my dresser. I thought maybe if I used my phone - something that is with me all the time, and that I use for time filling activities like checking Facebook and playing games - I would be more likely to create a routine that would become a habit. I chose three apps to try these first 52 days of 2013 for my goal of spiritual growth.

The first is a devotional app by Joyce Meyer, called Joyce Meyer Ministries.  I picked Joyce because I have always enjoyed her preaching and her down to earth view of life and faith. I've only used the devotional piece, but there are also videos and radio programs to listen to. It was a free app and I've really enjoyed it. The readings are short, but I often find a nugget I want to write down and think about more.

The second is another devotional app by Joyce Meyer, based on her book The Confident Woman. I paid for this one ($3.99), which makes me reluctant to dump it, but I am not enjoying it as much as the free app. It may be that I am more interested in the general life messages of the free app than the "confident woman" messages of the paid app.

Finally, there's the free Bible reading app called BiOY for Bible in One Year. This app reminds me of my favorite part of writing Sunday School curriculum when I did that for the Church of God - the Bible passage commentary. Every day there is an Old Testament passage, a New Testament passage, and a section from Proverbs or Psalms. You click on the section, and you can read the text of the passage. Click back for the commentary on each section, based on a theme/anecdote that the author uses to tie the three passages together. It's a great resource and I look forward to using it each day.

All in all, I am happy with my app finds and the routine I have started for the year regarding spiritual discipline. Do you have any apps or other resources that you use in your faith journey?