Torn

In Sunday School a couple weeks ago, my third grader was shoved by a fifth grade boy in his class. In retaliation, my son stomped on the other boy's balloon (a treat class had been given), breaking it with a satisfying pop.


My first response was frustration and shame. I don't want to be the mom of a "brute" - a boy who retaliates in anger. I want him to be a peaceful person. I want him to be a mature Christ-follower who offers forgiveness and grace. That's probably way too much to ask of a nine-year-old. But I don't see his friends at school lash out in anger like that - although, maybe they do at home with their siblings and I never see it. My son doesn't have siblings to help him learn to negotiate things like this. 


But there came a moment where a small part of me was proud that he stood up for himself. I don't want him to be arrogant or selfish, but I do want him to be confident enough to hold his own and seek help when someone tries to push him around or manipulate him.


As a mom, responsible (with my husband) for the social, emotional and spiritual education of our son, I am torn. How do we teach boys to be self-confident and stand up for themselves but not create brutes or bullies who use that confidence and power irresponsibly?

Reconciliation

This year of teaching has become a lesson in reconciliation. Our school uses a system of "reminders" when students misbehave. I have had a couple incidents this year where students have earned significant reminders and they've been unhappy to receive them. In two cases, after I gave the reminders and turned the students over to the principal, I have had to figure out how to interact with that student - and sometimes with a parent - when I see the student again. 


And I see every student every day.

• Do I avoid the student while it feels awkward, letting other staff handle him/her until the weirdness passes?
• Do I take the initiative and approach the student and talk directly about the situation?
• How do I gauge my own heart regarding the student? 
• Can I separate the behavior in one moment - one bad decision - from the student?
• How are we reconciled to an even place in our relationship going forward? 
• How do I communicate love and acceptance in a genuine way?

So far, when these situations come up, I have chosen to not avoid the student, but not get in his/her face either. I wait for an interaction to come up organically and I endeavor to treat the student the same way I would have before. I'm sure I don't always get it right. Sometimes it feels like I'm trying too hard to pretend that nothing happened - too cheery or too friendly. Thankfully, seeing every student every day gives me a lot of opportunities to have positive interactions to offset the more difficult ones.

Great Expectations

Awhile back, I had some discussions with a couple planning their wedding - and their marriage. One of the things we talked most about was expectations. 

Expectations, especially unspoken ones, can be the root of a lot of strife in a marriage. Expectations for how to spend the holidays, how to do the grocery shopping, how to share the bathroom, how to divide the chores, etc. are best dealt with up front and out in the open.

The importance of clear and shared expectations was shown to me again a couple weeks ago when my son had some friends spend the night. There were four of them - the most we had ever had for a sleepover. 

Apparently, one boy and my son had shared the story of a Lego "war" they had had at a sleepover earlier in the year. They had had so much fun with it, they wanted to do it again as a group. This seemed like a no-brainer because it had gone so well when the boys did it the first time.

It was soon apparent that we we headed for a different sort of war. The two boys who had played it before wanted it to be like they had had it then. My son, in particular, wanted to pull out all the same pieces and set it up in a very particular way, and he wanted the other boys to wait while he got everything in place. The other two boys just wanted to play. They had their own ideas of what this war might be like. My son's expectations were leading to a lot of "Guys.... guys!" and finally I had to step in. I pulled him aside and tried to convince him that it would be more fun, and less stress, if he went with the flow rather than trying to recreate the war they had the last time.

I tried to explain to him the next day that the four of them came to the "war" with different expectations about what it was going to be like, and because of that, they had trouble actually getting to play what they wanted. I don't know if he "got" it, but I know I sure did. 

In my marriage, I have learned to say things like, "Tell me what you think this weekend is going to look like," or "In your head, how do you have this playing out." It's a really fast way to discover if we are headed for disaster. I've learned to ask my new boss, "Where do you want me," or "What do you see my role being for this event" so hopefully I can be where I am supposed to be, or I can seek clarification or compromise rather than dealing with problems later.

Clarify your expectations. Ask others what their expectations are. Clarity can lead to peace.