The BenJarvus Green-Ellis Incident

Our family is crazy about football. Because of our great love of the game, we have played fantasy football for years. This year, my son "fired' my husband as his co-manager and picked me up as his helper instead.

The main reason for this personnel change was the draft philosophy.

My husband is a by-the-book drafter. He follows the recommendations of the "experts." In my son's league, my husband was drafting for one of the kids who couldn't make the draft. He picked three running backs and then three wide receivers. He didn't panic and jump out for a QB just because other folks were picking them up. He followed his plan, picking the best player available at each round.

My philosophy is that I want players on my fantasy team that I actually LIKE. As a Packers fan, I will NEVER draft Adrian Peterson, even if I have the first pick in the draft. I won't bother with players in the NFC North unless they wear green and gold. I've been in leagues where I picked Aaron Rodgers "ridiculously early" by the expert's advice. But I knew that if I left that draft without Rodgers, I would not be looking forward to playing fantasy football. So, when my son wanted Jimmy Graham in the second round, I said "Go for it." He had Graham two years ago and loved having him on his team, but he missed out on him last year. When he wanted Reggie Wayne in the third round and Andrew Luck in the fourth, I said, "Sure!" What's the point of playing fantasy football if you can't root for some guys from "your team?" The other, older players in the room kept their scoffing to a minimum and my husband kept his comments about our picks to himself.

Then, in the 5th round, my "go ahead, pick with your heart" philosophy hit a snag when my son said he wanted to draft BenJarvus Green-Ellis. With the 43rd pick in their draft. On our list, Green-Ellis was the 36th ranked running back. There were still lots of better-ranked RBs available at this point in the draft. My son's not even a Bengals fan or anything. I have NO CLUE why he latched onto this player! This was going to be his last pick for 14 picks! But he was adamant. And it was ultimately HIS team and HIS draft.

This early in the season, it remains to be seen if this will be a good pick for my son, or if it will always be referred to "The BenJarvus Green-Ellis Incident" in our home. What I do know is my son left his draft happy, looking forward to playing fantasy football this year. And that's all that really matters to me.

My husband read me this article over the weekend about fantasy-football expert, Matthew Berry's experience of drafting with his son. I'll let you decide based on my story and his which is a better draft plan - follow the plan or follow your heart. But I imagine he will hear about "The RG III Incident" at his house for years to come.

Parenting Dilemmas

A friend said something to me last week.

"If you give your child the 'treat' before she does what she's supposed to do, it's a bribe. If you give it to her afterwards, it's a reward."

She had heard this from her pediatrician. I thought that was really interesting....

My son forgot to bring some homework home last weekend. My first thought was to take away a game he had just gotten. Video games, computer time and TV time are the first things we take away when he is in trouble. But then I got to thinking that the game was a REWARD for something he already did. It felt crummy to take away something he had just earned.

My husband wondered if we were going to go by the school and get what he forgot. I have keys. We could have done that. But I didn't want to bail him out like that. I can't do that when he is in middle school. What would it teach him if I bailed him out?

My son said he could get the homework done at school. I decided I'd let him try. If he could pull his fat out of the fire on his own, okay. He'd learn a couple lessons that way - to fix his own messes and to remember his homework in the future so he doesn't have to scramble like this again.

This parenting thing is tough sometimes - where do you help and coach and where do you step back? Where do you dole out consequences and where do you let circumstances do that? When do you offer rewards (not bribes) and when do you let the satisfaction of the work speak for itself?

Yellow Belt

My son has been taking Tae Kwon Do for the last 6 months or so, and last weekend he completed his yellow belt test. It was a grueling day for him. It started at 10 am with a written test and finished with 5 hours of physical tasks.

I was so very proud of how hard he worked.

This is not something that comes naturally to him. He does a great job intellectually - he knew his paragraphs, he knew the moves. What was missing was "the heart" - a ferocity that just isn't part of his nature. This is something he is going to have to fight for and work on for every belt test in the future.

During one routine, the coaches came out and talked to him about "looking mean." It wasn't about going through the motions, but it was about giving the impression that he was really in a battle with 4 foes. When he went through the routine the next time, I got tears in my eyes because he looked so fierce.

I love the group we chose for these lessons. Even though they prepped him for weeks about being really tough on him, and yelling at him and making things deliberately hard during this test, they were still coaches and teachers first. There were a few times when one would pull him aside and talk one and one about what he was doing or what he needed to be doing. They were a great encouragement to him, which I greatly appreciated.

If I had to make a list of our best parenting decisions, signing him up for these lessons would be high on the list. The confidence I hope he gains from this experience will be a great asset to him in the future.

Best Kid Ever

In the last couple years I have come to appreciate my son's enthusiasm for travel and other things. Last year we stayed at an airport hotel before leaving on a trip to Disney World. My son declared it "the best hotel ever!" (At least until we got to the Animal Kingdom Lodge at WDW!)

This summer on vacation, we got a room with a hide-a-bed so he could have his own space in the room. Even better, it was in a part of the room with a TV, so he could lay in bed and watch a movie. He was reluctant to leave and declared it the "best bed ever."

We recently had our bathroom remodeled. After his first shower in the new tub, he announced it was the best shower ever. A meal he likes? The best ever. A book he enjoyed? The best ever.

After getting to meet an author he likes, I asked him, "Wasn't that cool?!"
     "No."
     "What?!"
     "It was AWESOME!!"

I love his enthusiasm for life and his appreciation of new experiences. It's easy, as an adult, to take things for granted because I've experienced several versions of the same thing. A hotel bed is a hotel bed. But my son is a joy to take places (Well, most of the time. He can be a pill on occasion.) because if he enjoys himself, he really enjoys the experience - telling stories and asking questions about it for weeks and months to come.

I hope he keeps this attitude and appreciation and excitement for these experiences. It's endearing, and as a parent, it makes doing the big vacations and the special events worthwhile because we can enjoy the experience as a family and know he really appreciates the opportunities.

And the Baton Is Passed

When I got pregnant, I was completely convinced I was going to go right back to work after my son was born. And I did. But I was miserable. I had no idea how much I would adore that needy little bundle. I wanted him all to myself. So I left my job and worked various jobs from home so that I could be home with my son. We have been pals for years - singing songs, snuggling, reading books together, regular trips to Barnes and Noble. Even though I am working again, we still have our summers together for bowling and the pool and just hanging out at home.

I've noticed a shift in the last year, though. Lately there have been a lot more "guys days" at our house. My husband and my son have gone to movies together or golfing or the children's museum. On our vacation, while I was at a conference, the boys went to various museums and other sites. And as I am typing this, they are at a weekend Father/Son camp together.

And I couldn't be happier. I love that they are getting to spend this time together. I love that they are interested in the same things. I love that they WANT to be together.

This is how it is supposed to be. This is the natural progression as my son gets older. I hope he continues to have a great relationship with his father as we move into his teen years.

Wisdom of Youth

When my son was in kindergarten, I was looking forward to our first spring break together. As I was teaching part time and subbing that year, I was excited about a free week and all the projects I could get done. At dinner one night I talked about all the things I was going to put on my to do list for the week. My son piped up and asked for his own paper and pencil so he could write his own list. I was so proud. Then he said, "How do you spell 'nothing?' "

This was a pivotal moment in our life together as driven mother and laid-back son. And now, several years later, he has done it again.

Now, we are thinking about our summer off from school. Last year I worked like a maniac to get the library the way I wanted it - at least some of the major projects I wanted done. I promised him I wouldn't do that again this year. But as June has gotten closer we've got more and more things on our schedule - vacation, church camp, basketball camp, swimming, golf, reading, etc. As I started thinking through my son's schedule for the summer, I felt as though it was slipping away before it even arrived.

And then my son said he wanted to cut a couple things out of the schedule so he had more free time for the summer.

He may be in elementary school, but he is a wise boy - at least when it comes to work vs. rest. And he is teaching his mother all the time.

So, we have called off some of the activities we had been talking about for the summer. I'll keep working at listening to my son's reminders to rest and play at least as much as I work and get things done. We'll see if we can feel rested at the end of the summer this year.

Know Jesus

Last week during morning devotions, one of the teacher's shared a passage in Luke 7. There was a Pharisee named Simon who knew all the rules for his faith and all the rules for his culture, but he did not treat Jesus as he should have if he recognized who He was. Then there was a "sinful woman" who probably didn't know any of the things Simon did, but she acted out of love for Jesus.  Then the teacher asked us: Are we teaching kids to know about Jesus or to know Jesus?

That's a pretty significant question!

But even bigger is HOW do you teach the difference? It's easy to share stories about Jesus. Knowing Jesus is harder - more personal.

I talked to my son about this after school that day. He could explain the difference between knowing Jesus and knowing about Jesus, but he had a harder time coming up with ways to know Jesus better.

So, how do you do it? How do you teach your kids to KNOW Jesus, rather than just know about Him?

Fail Boldly

We are trying to teach our son that it is okay to "fail boldly." I would rather have him bomb a test than cheat. I would rather have him admit that he did something wrong than lie about it or be sneaky.

But those can be hard lessons to enforce because, frankly, I'd rather he be perfect. I'd rather he never fail at all and always make the right choice. But that's not going to happen.

These discussions at home also force me to look at MY behavior. I recently heard adults in two different situations talk about being late for something and having it brought to the attention of others (in innocent ways, like wondering if the person was okay). Neither case was one where someone was trying to "catch" them doing something wrong or where a job was on the line. Both said something about wishing people hadn't said anything. My first thought, after all this conversation at home was, "Fail boldly." If you're late, you're late. "Sorry, I got distracted. I'll try to be more careful next time." But those words are easier to say than to live out. I hate screwing up in front of other people. I will rehearse that screw up over and over in my head, feeling the humiliation each time. I'd be much happier if I could keep people believing that I always do everything right.

But I don't. I have to work at saying, "That was my fault. I made a mistake. Thanks for being gracious with me."

I still think it is an important thing to teach my son. I want him to grow up to be a man of integrity - who can admit his mistakes when he makes them and then learn from them rather than try to hide them. But I have to remember that sometimes it's hard to be that bold.

Free Time

I do NOT knit.

But I love reading "The Yarn Harlot." I've gotten her books from the library before and I downloaded a sample of her book All Wound Up for my Nook.


This weekend I read through those few sample pages where she talks about how annoying it is when people see her knitting and say something like, "I might do that if I had your free time." The author's point was that most people have some amount of free time or down time. Whether we use it to read or watch TV or surf the internet or knit, we have some. We all make choices about how we use what free time we have. The people who look at her sideways in a doctor's office as she is knitting have chosen to use their free time (while in the waiting room) to fret about their wait or to check email on their phone or whatever. She chooses to spend that time knitting.


As I read her rant (which was completely enjoyable) about the perception that she knits because she has nothing better to do or has too much free time, I starting thinking about my lamentations about free time.

It feels like "I never have any free time." My weekends zip by all to quickly. My post-work time at home seems to be over in a blink. But in reality, I choose how I spend my time. Some Mondays I leave school as soon as my official schedule is over. Other days I get caught up in a meeting or I decided to stay and get some things done. My "evening" can start at 3:15 or 5:15, depending on my after school obligations and choices. No matter what time I leave school, though, my time is booked with mom-duties until 8pm. If I have to bring work home that I couldn't get to during the day, that has to be squeezed in as well. And if I don't go to bed by 10 pm, my students get a  grumpy librarian/lunch lady the next day. My evening free time is finite.

Even so, on a "bad" day or a busy day, I can usually carve out an hour of time every day that's just for me. An hour's not bad! Sure, I'd love to have more, but during the school week - four days - that's four hours to do what I choose - read a book, surf the internet, be crafty, read a magazine, blog, journal, draw, etc.

What I realized is my true problem isn't a lack of time.

It's an overabundance of hobbies.

There are too many things I want to do with that hour or so a day. I can't read a book AND a magazine AND do some scrapbooking AND check my email AND work on an art journal AND check out Pinterest in one hour. I can't read a book for the school library AND a mystery for me AND non-fiction book on a topic I want to study in the same hour. It just can't be done.

In order to be content, I am going to need to lose a dozen hobbies or lower my expectations for what I can reasonably do in a week.

Wish me luck.

Two Lost Weeks

Sometimes my husband and I toy with the idea of going away on a trip, just the two of us. Travel with just three people is fairly easy, especially at my son's age, so these ideas have never materialized into anything concrete. And I don't feel like something is lacking in my life or my marriage because of it. I'm happy to have the three of us together, to "do" life together.

The other day, I was thinking about the time I spent with my dad before he passed away. I was thinking back to the logistics we put together - the friends and family who helped - so I could go be with him for the last couple weeks of his life, and my husband and son could do work and school respectively until the school year ended and we could see where things were going to go from there.

I was dismayed to realize that I have a two week gap in my memory of my son's life.

I have no idea what his life looked like while I was gone. Sure, I talked to him on the phone and Skype while I was away, but I don't have a mental image of what it looked like to have a cousin come over and get him ready for school in the morning (what did he have for breakfast? how did things go when she dropped him off for school?). I can't remember what he did after school (did he go to after school care? did my husband leave work early?). I'm pretty sure I missed a field trip in there, and I know I missed a major school presentation (my in-laws came over so he had someone there).

I don't like having that two week gap. I know as he gets older, those gaps are going to naturally become more plentiful as he becomes more independent. But for now, I want to soak up as much time with him and memories as I can to compensate for those two lost weeks of his life and to prepare me for the gaps yet to come.

The Grass Is Always Greener

Last week was the beginning of a two week break from school (that still included at least one business stop for about an hour) that my son and I desperately needed.

Just because we weren't AT school didn't mean I wasn't working. I had 5 philosophy books to read and I had to write a 6 page paper. (And this week I have another project that has to be done before school starts - mostly because once students are there, there won't be time to get it done!) So I did that last week along with some cleaning, a trip to the pool, a trip to the bowling alley, and a couple of "play days" for my son. It was a good week.

But it reminded me of summers past and I missed them. Four years ago, we were home together and I wasn't working. Our days were filled with sleeping late, book store dates, tv, games, books, movies, snuggling and just hanging out. In retrospect, it sounds glorious. A twinge of regret and resentment started to settle in my heart.

I want a summer like that again. I want low key, slow-paced.

But a conversation with a friend reminded me of the down side of those days. I was rarely relaxed then. My activities might have given that impression, but on the inside, I was churning. I felt like I wasn't doing enough or doing anything of consequence. I wondered if my life would ever have purpose beyond the walls of my home.

Yeesh! I seriously need some contentment in my life, huh? It all comes back to that SAVOR theme for the year. In fact, I may need to work that theme again next year at the rate I am going! Rather than enjoy the slow pace of summers past, I wished them away, feeling aimless. Rather than enjoying the anticipation of starting a new school year in a job I adore, I am lamenting the work that will facilitate that work.

I still have so much to learn.

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Box 'Em In

A couple weeks ago, we attended a sixth grade graduation ceremony at my son's school. The speaker was a parent/pastor who delivered a fantastic message for parents.

As a visual person, I especially liked that he had a live illustration for his talk. He brought up a mom and dad and one of the sixth graders. He placed the dad in front of the student and mom behind. He challenged fathers to take an active, positive role in leading their families and setting the course for their children. He encouraged moms to partner with the dads and encourage the students to follow the family course (train up a child, etc.)

The speaker noted at this point that the student was unshielded on the sides. (He also pointed out that some families only have one parent in the home, or one parent choosing to be active in the life of the student - this creates another gap). He called up a youth pastor and a mentor to stand at the sides of the student.

Finally, the speaker called up several volunteers to hold up signs representing the things that will vie for the child's attention - peer pressure, drugs, etc. Then he had the student, boxed in by the parents and other significant adults, navigate around the distractions.

It was brilliant. It challenged parents to "box in" their kids with adults who have the student's best interests at heart, who will speak into the student's life when he starts looking away from him parents for input. He stressed that parents (and teachers) are preparing students to leave the nest as adults and we need to be intentional in that preparation - it's too important a job to leave it to chance. I was challenged and inspired to look at my role with my son and with my students in a new way. My time with them is short and precious, and I want to do my best with the opportunities I have.

Torn

In Sunday School a couple weeks ago, my third grader was shoved by a fifth grade boy in his class. In retaliation, my son stomped on the other boy's balloon (a treat class had been given), breaking it with a satisfying pop.


My first response was frustration and shame. I don't want to be the mom of a "brute" - a boy who retaliates in anger. I want him to be a peaceful person. I want him to be a mature Christ-follower who offers forgiveness and grace. That's probably way too much to ask of a nine-year-old. But I don't see his friends at school lash out in anger like that - although, maybe they do at home with their siblings and I never see it. My son doesn't have siblings to help him learn to negotiate things like this. 


But there came a moment where a small part of me was proud that he stood up for himself. I don't want him to be arrogant or selfish, but I do want him to be confident enough to hold his own and seek help when someone tries to push him around or manipulate him.


As a mom, responsible (with my husband) for the social, emotional and spiritual education of our son, I am torn. How do we teach boys to be self-confident and stand up for themselves but not create brutes or bullies who use that confidence and power irresponsibly?

SAVOR: Love

Since my word for the year is SAVOR, I am trying to pay more attention to moments and to the here-and-now. My mind tends to work weeks or even months ahead of today and I miss things because I am thinking about something else when life is happening right in front of me. So, I'm trying to record stories of moments I want to SAVOR. I mentioned one last week. Here is another:


Every night, once my son is ready for bed, I read a chapter or two of a book to him. This is something we have done since he was a baby and it is a ritual we enjoy as a family. Once the story is done, my husband comes in and the three of us pray together and then I sing a bedtime song and we put my son to bed. [I am trying to SAVOR this ritual because I am afraid he will grow out of it all too soon, but that's a story for another time.] Lately, we have been reading in my husband's and my bedroom, so we can stretch out together on the bed for the story. 


A couple weeks ago, as we were waiting for my husband to come back to the room for prayer, my son and I were snuggling on the bed. I kissed his head and told him that I always love him and that I hoped he knew that. He looked up at me and said, "I always know that." 


As a teenager in an angst-filled home, I sometimes wondered if my parents loved me. I knew they were proud of me and expected a lot from me, but I did wonder sometimes if they loved me or if they would still love me if I stopped meeting their expectations. Some of that is a function of adolescence, but some of it also came from not hearing many "I love yous." [They may have been said - it was an angsty time, as I mentioned - but I didn't hear or internalize them.] So I have always felt driven to let my son know that he is loved. And I hope and pray that he hears and internalizes it when we say it, because I know we say it a lot. And in this one little moment, he confirmed that he has heard and recognized our love.


A moment to SAVOR for sure.

My Little Explorer

Last Sunday my son and I attended church with another congregation to celebrate the baptism of two of my students. It happened to also be Communion Sunday for that church. I told my son that things would be different than at our church, but he could be flexible and just "roll with it."


I looked over at him during communion and found him scraping off a small corner of the wafer to taste it (Verdict? Awful. His buddy sitting next to him actually spit his back out). Then I saw him sniffing the juice. I had to laugh. It was a reminder that I am raising a little explorer. He always asks how things work. He wonders about things that I accept without question. He wants to feel things with his own hands (like the outside of Arby's while we wait in the drive through - "But I've never gotten to touch it.")


I love how his mind works, but it is quite foreign to me. I wonder how people work - why they act the way they do or make the choices they do, etc. It never occurs to me to wonder how my cell phone works or how thunder works. They do and I don't give it much additional thought. It's kind of refreshing, though, to see things through his eyes, like an unusual communion wafer or the side of a fast food restaurant.

Do You Know What Your Children Are Reading?

I came across a blog post the other day that was asking readers to weigh in on kids and teens reading books originally targeted for adults.

My first thought was a memory, long forgotten. The library we used when I was a kid had different cards for kids and grown-ups. But parents could sign a portion of the card so their child could read anything in the library. I was so proud of that signature. I felt so empowered because I could check out anything I wanted.

In principle, I still love the idea and would probably sign something for my own child if I had to. But, as the parent, I have to live with the questions or the nightmares that can come up if I don't pay attention to what my son reads. That's why I have added some sections to my book reviews where I note if there is foul language or adult situations in the book and where I give my opinion about the appropriate reader for the book.

To me, the responsibility ultimately falls to the parents to know what their kids are reading. One of my favorite things to do is to talk to kids about books. One of my fears, though, is that a parent will come back to me, appalled that I recommended one book or another because of something the student found inside it. I can only do the best I can, sharing my opinions and cautions. Sometimes a story is so good, I get caught up and don't notice the swear words, etc. My hope is that parents will engage WITH their kids about what they are reading.

Let me share a personal example. My family has read the Harry Potter series together. We have gotten through book five (with some editing) with my son who is in second grade. He has a friend at school who reportedly has read the whole series (and has seen the movies out to date). I know my son is frustrated that we won't read the rest; he wants to know how everything works out. And it is tempting to give in and read the last two books. But I am his parent, not his buddy. I have to use my best judgment to decide where the line falls. And I think there are parts of the final two books which are too dark for a second grader - or at least my second grader. I take my role as a parent - and as a book advocate - seriously.

So, what do YOU think? Do you know what your kids are reading? Do you care if they are reading things written for an older audience?

Dystopian trends in Young Adult Literature

"Dystopian" has become a buzz word in publishing circles. It means a society characterized by human misery. The stories involve a bleak future, oppressive forces, and protagonists facing difficult choices.

Here is a great article by a child and adolescent psychiatrist stating why this style of literature appeals to teens, considering their developmental tasks of separation from parents, and their emotional and hormonal upheaval. Great information for parents as well as for fans of literature.

Only Children

At my son's school the other day, I overhead a couple teachers in conversation about a student. One statement was that, often, the child was in charge of the dynamics at home. Then came the words I dreaded. " [The student] is an only child." In fact, this particular teacher has a few only children in her class. Apparently there are some similarities.

These are conversations that make me wary. I am an only child, and my husband and I are raising an only child. I know what a bad rap only children get. I have even known some of "those" sorts of only children - the ones who are self-absorbed, bossy, etc. I work really hard to make sure that (a) I don't act that way and (b) that my son doesn't act that way.

But it is hard to teach an only child not to be bossy. My son has an active imagination that drives 90% of his play. When he plays with others, they can't read his mind and therefore don't play the way he wants them to. I am proud of how he works at this, but it is something that will have to develop over time.

We also work very hard to have clear boundaries with him that we are the ones in charge. But, again, the dynamic of a three person family is just different than a five person family. We include him in decisions about where we want to go for the weekend or what we want to have for supper or what movie we want to watch. I have had to learn, as a parent, to tell him when he doesn't get a vote. We have to make a conscious choice to say it's "Daddy's turn to choose" or else he will think that he is an equal to the adults when it comes to making decisions.

Some people think it is easy to parent just one child. And it some ways it is. But, if the parents are aware of the pitfalls for only children, they have to work hard to parent in a way that diminishes those pitfalls!

Praise - Too Much of a Good Thing?

This week on my book review blog, I am reviewing a new book called Nurture Shock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. You can see their website here.

This book looks at research about children and what it says about "best practice" for our kids. And some of it might surprise you! So, for the next few posts I thought I would highlight a few pieces of information from the book and ask you what you think. Today, we will talk about praise.

*Parents can over-praise, leaving kids either feeling like that can never measure up to parental expectations or feeling like the praise is empty and fake. Praise should be genuine and specific.

*Telling kids, "You're smart" can actually leave kids feeling fearful of trying something new or difficult. They think, "If I'm smart, this should be easy." Instead, praise hard work, perseverance, and process.

*The brain is a muscle. It grows new neurons when it works on something hard. When kids know this, they can see the value in trying new or hard things and "exercising" their brains.

I have to work hard on praising specific things and not using "smart." What about you? What do you think about praise? Can it be too much of a good thing? or a bad thing?