Dad passed away this week. In time I know I will have a lot to write about, but that time is not right now. I will be back.
As I have book reviews archived, reviews will continue to post at my other blog, Bring on the Books.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Temptation
I'm not much of a drinker. I had a drink here and there in college, and a series of them once in a misguided attempt to fit in with people I would never see again. After that I gave up alcohol as more trouble than it was worth. I'm generally just as happy to drink a caffeine-free diet Pepsi as anything else.
That said, when I got to my childhood home and started preparing to move my father home with hospice, there were moments when a drink or two sounded like a fantastic idea. At first it was a joke - "This trip is going to require a lot more diet Pepsi, if not something stronger." But the more I thought about what I am facing, the more tempting the idea was.
I ran to the grocery store after I got to town in order to get some food to eat while I am here. For a minute, I wondered if a four-pack of wine coolers would go with my bagels and peanut butter. After all, I had a couple nights to myself at the house before I would be totally responsible for my father's care.
I don't have a moral objection to alcohol for adults of legal age who can use good judgement in their indulgence. And I didn't walk away from the beer aisle because I thought buying it would be a moral failing. I walked away because I knew the drink(s) wouldn't change my reality and could cause more harm than good. I walked away because I knew that would be the first step down a slippery slope of complications - and I don't need more complications in my life.
Today, when the hospice social worker was quietly asking me how I was coping (a conversation that is really best had away from the identified patient in my opinion), she mentioned that caregivers with a history of depression, anxiety or substance abuse need to be watchful for signs that the role is wearing on them to the point of needing additional mental health assistance.
My mind immediately went back to the internal debate I had. I felt a wave of guilt, like I had been "caught" just thinking about drinking to numb the stress. Once she left, I thought some more about the whole thing and felt affirmed in my judgement to stick with diet Pepsi. My wiser self had prevailed in that moment. Stressful circumstances like these are breeding grounds for pain-numbing activities and too many of those just lead to more pain later on.
If you want to know a simple way to help during these days, pick up some caffeine-free diet Pepsi for me. It's my drink of choice for this season of life!
That said, when I got to my childhood home and started preparing to move my father home with hospice, there were moments when a drink or two sounded like a fantastic idea. At first it was a joke - "This trip is going to require a lot more diet Pepsi, if not something stronger." But the more I thought about what I am facing, the more tempting the idea was.
I ran to the grocery store after I got to town in order to get some food to eat while I am here. For a minute, I wondered if a four-pack of wine coolers would go with my bagels and peanut butter. After all, I had a couple nights to myself at the house before I would be totally responsible for my father's care.
I don't have a moral objection to alcohol for adults of legal age who can use good judgement in their indulgence. And I didn't walk away from the beer aisle because I thought buying it would be a moral failing. I walked away because I knew the drink(s) wouldn't change my reality and could cause more harm than good. I walked away because I knew that would be the first step down a slippery slope of complications - and I don't need more complications in my life.
Today, when the hospice social worker was quietly asking me how I was coping (a conversation that is really best had away from the identified patient in my opinion), she mentioned that caregivers with a history of depression, anxiety or substance abuse need to be watchful for signs that the role is wearing on them to the point of needing additional mental health assistance.
My mind immediately went back to the internal debate I had. I felt a wave of guilt, like I had been "caught" just thinking about drinking to numb the stress. Once she left, I thought some more about the whole thing and felt affirmed in my judgement to stick with diet Pepsi. My wiser self had prevailed in that moment. Stressful circumstances like these are breeding grounds for pain-numbing activities and too many of those just lead to more pain later on.
If you want to know a simple way to help during these days, pick up some caffeine-free diet Pepsi for me. It's my drink of choice for this season of life!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Priorities
My father has been moved home for hospice care. This has changed so many things for me, I hardly know where to start. But one thing that has changed would be priorities. Things that seemed so important a month ago - or emails or tweets or whatever - are things I don't have much time or energy for these days. I am getting a crash course in simplifying to the essentials.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Re-reader
I confess, I am a re-reader. I like to read books again that I enjoyed the first time.
A lot of people look at me like I am strange because I spend so much money on books "you'll only read once." Because I am a fast reader, skimming at times even through books I enjoy, I can re-read something and not feel like I just read it and know what is coming. And when I do read a book often enough to know what is coming (Harry Potter), it can add to the enjoyment because I know "one of my favorite parts" is coming up.
I have been thinking about re-reading a lot lately. My life is so chaotic these days I am having trouble digging into a book deeply enough to keep reading. My mind is racing. I am staying up past midnight to get things done and the next night falling into bed at 9pm trying to make up for all the lost sleep.
In the back of my mind, though, is the idea that I could pick up an old (or new) favorite - a book I don't have to work to engage with or enjoy. The idea of falling into a story like that appeals to me.
Here are some of my read-over-and-over favorites:
Deadline
The Amber Photograph: Newly Repackaged Edition
Harry Potter Paperback Box Set (Books 1-7)
Touched by an Alien
That last one is a new favorite I reviewed a few weeks ago on my other blog. That is the one I keep looking at and thinking of longingly. If I do a re-read this weekend, that will likely be the book I pick up. The author's voice is fantastc, the characters are outstanding, and I get inspired by the heroine's kick-butt nature. I need a little kick-butt attitude in my life these days!
So, do you re-read? What are your go-to books when you want to read something fantastic and familiar?
A lot of people look at me like I am strange because I spend so much money on books "you'll only read once." Because I am a fast reader, skimming at times even through books I enjoy, I can re-read something and not feel like I just read it and know what is coming. And when I do read a book often enough to know what is coming (Harry Potter), it can add to the enjoyment because I know "one of my favorite parts" is coming up.
I have been thinking about re-reading a lot lately. My life is so chaotic these days I am having trouble digging into a book deeply enough to keep reading. My mind is racing. I am staying up past midnight to get things done and the next night falling into bed at 9pm trying to make up for all the lost sleep.
In the back of my mind, though, is the idea that I could pick up an old (or new) favorite - a book I don't have to work to engage with or enjoy. The idea of falling into a story like that appeals to me.
Here are some of my read-over-and-over favorites:
Deadline
The Amber Photograph: Newly Repackaged Edition
Harry Potter Paperback Box Set (Books 1-7)
Touched by an Alien
That last one is a new favorite I reviewed a few weeks ago on my other blog. That is the one I keep looking at and thinking of longingly. If I do a re-read this weekend, that will likely be the book I pick up. The author's voice is fantastc, the characters are outstanding, and I get inspired by the heroine's kick-butt nature. I need a little kick-butt attitude in my life these days!
So, do you re-read? What are your go-to books when you want to read something fantastic and familiar?
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Lacking inspiration
I try to blog in batches. I write things that I want to share, schedule them out and hope that inspiration strikes for another batch while those things are already in the pipeline. But life these days isn't feeling too inspiring. Overwhelming, impossible, exhausing? Yes. Inspiring? Not so much.
I can feel the anxiety in the pit of my stomach. It's the waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop kind of anxiety. Each time my phone rings, I wonder, "What now?"
And it feels like pain is swirling around me in the lives of others - parents dying, children dying, surgeries, tumors, job loss.... It seems like the world is falling apart. Maybe in my own pain I am more aware of the pain of others.
Whether things are really that depressing or if it just my own sensitivity, it's ovewhelming. I know it is bad when I hear the "reports" on the news about the group saying the rapture is coming on Saturday and I find myself thinking, "Wouldn't that be nice?"
I know this is a season - a crummy one, true, but it won't go on forever. Another season will come. I'm hoping for a sunny season next.
I can feel the anxiety in the pit of my stomach. It's the waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop kind of anxiety. Each time my phone rings, I wonder, "What now?"
And it feels like pain is swirling around me in the lives of others - parents dying, children dying, surgeries, tumors, job loss.... It seems like the world is falling apart. Maybe in my own pain I am more aware of the pain of others.
Whether things are really that depressing or if it just my own sensitivity, it's ovewhelming. I know it is bad when I hear the "reports" on the news about the group saying the rapture is coming on Saturday and I find myself thinking, "Wouldn't that be nice?"
I know this is a season - a crummy one, true, but it won't go on forever. Another season will come. I'm hoping for a sunny season next.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Crafts
I have been doing a little of this and a little of that lately. Here and there that has included being crafty. Here are some of the latest creations.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
My favorite notebook
I am a notebook fanatic. Yes, fanatic.
These are some of the notebooks I encounter each week, if not every day:
See what I mean? I am crazy about notebooks. Want to buy me a present? You can't go wrong with a notebook!
But my favorite notebook right now is a small, lined journal covered with purple floral material. I don't even remember where I found it, but I wish I did so I could buy more for the future.
I love this notebook because it has come to represent a snapshot of my life. This is the notebook where I jot quotes or websites or Bible verses I come across that I don't want to lose track of or that speak to me at that moment. I write down nutrition information, recipes, writer guidelines for magazines, and encouraging thoughts for the day. I write down blog or essay ideas.
This little book is my memory - my archive - of life today. I don't know what I would do without it.
These are some of the notebooks I encounter each week, if not every day:
- Small Vera Bradley "Pocket Pals" in Boysenberry - for scriptures that are speaking to me or that I want to memorize
- Yellow, single-subject spiral - blog and essay drafts
- Small re-covered (camping paper) spiral blank journal - book reviews by month (this is actually my 3rd notebook for book reviews)
- Boynton calendar/notebook - blog schedule
- Large spiral blank book with black cover - self-discovery and personal mission statement workbook
- A second large spiral blank book - inspiration book (pictures from magazines, notes, etc)
- Spiral-bound blank journal - "The January Book" - my journal (It's call the January book because I am usually better about writing in a journal in January than I am any other time of year!)
- Red, single-subject spiral - character analysis from a favorite series of books
- Small Vera Bradley journal (Simply Violet) - My book book where I track what new books are being released when.
- Set of three spiral notebooks - I use these to record the titles of books I would like to read some time (actually, this is the second set of three books I have created. The first set is full. There's one book for adult fiction, one for non-fiction and one for children's and young adult books)
See what I mean? I am crazy about notebooks. Want to buy me a present? You can't go wrong with a notebook!
But my favorite notebook right now is a small, lined journal covered with purple floral material. I don't even remember where I found it, but I wish I did so I could buy more for the future.
I love this notebook because it has come to represent a snapshot of my life. This is the notebook where I jot quotes or websites or Bible verses I come across that I don't want to lose track of or that speak to me at that moment. I write down nutrition information, recipes, writer guidelines for magazines, and encouraging thoughts for the day. I write down blog or essay ideas.
This little book is my memory - my archive - of life today. I don't know what I would do without it.
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