Punching and Prayer

I've tried two things to help with my anxiety (see previous post) that seem to be working.

1) Punching - In Jon Acuff's book Start, he talks about "punching fear in the face." He advises writing down the things fear says to you when you think about or start trying to make changes in your life. Fear usually says things like, "That will never work" or "It's too late for you to make this change." After you've identified the fears, Jon says to refute them, in detail. So I tried that with my anxiety. Since I knew what I was worried about, I then asked myself:

"What's the worst that could possibly happen in this situation?"

"How likely is this worst case scenario?"

"What supports and resources do I have if the worst actually does happen?"

"What are my options?"

Each situation I applied this to started to seem less scary and more manageable.

2) Prayer - I found this resource about anxiety online. But instead of reading the verses over and over, I decided to write them out in my own words and direct them at my specific circumstances. I only got through two verses - both re-writing and also some drawing to go with my thoughts - but I felt SO much better. Just from those two verses. And every time I have gone back to re-read those two verses, I have felt affirmed and at peace.

Will my anxiety return?

YES. Worry is too much of a habit for me at this point.

But I feel more equipped today than I did a week ago to address my fears and anxiety so it does not grow to control and consume me.

52 Lists

Ali Edwards posted something on her blog about a 52 lists project. The original project is here.

I LOVE this idea! I look forward to checking out the new list every week. I have a journal I am using just for this and I am adding things to each list a couple times a week as I think of new additions.

For example, week one was "Words that Touch Your Soul." Here are some words from my list.

order
passion
imagination
story
expression
grace
mercy
purpose
son/mom
family
beloved
wife/husband
Heaven
hope
peace
rest
"Today you will be with me in paradise."
redeem
joy
fantastic
outstanding


Well, you get the idea. I'd love to hear if you decide to work on these lists, too! And thanks to Moorea for this project!!

Lead Me to Rest (part 2)

Last week, I caught myself saying, "It's been a bad week." This wasn't at all true, though. I had one bad day last week. Just one. It was a doozy, but it was only one day. The rest of the days were pretty good, if not great. Why did I keep saying it was a bad week? 


It's easy to let the dark moments overtake the good times. It's too easy to let one bad day - or one bad moment - corrupt the days around it. I had to keep reminding myself that every time I did that, I gave that one day way too much power.


I mentioned on Tuesday that I spent a recent Saturday at a Sabbath event. The point of the day was to rest and to reconnect with ourselves and with God. And I did that, not by engaging in the wonderful experiences the planners spent weeks designing but by curling up in a chair and writing, writing, writing. It was something I easily could have done at home. But I wouldn't have. I hadn't. I needed to put the time in my schedule. I needed to set aside the time and walk away from my to do lists in order to do something my soul desperately needed.


In the course of my writing, writing, writing, I realized something about this year - this crummy, sad, grief- and stress-filled year.


It hasn't all been bad. Yes, the bad parts have been deeply disturbing. But there have been a lot of great moments in there, too. I started to think of those great moments as "Sabbath." This fall I started a job that has kept me running harder than I have for a job in a very long time. And I have loved it more than anything I have ever done in my life. This job is an emotional Sabbath from the grief of this year.


Every December I put together a huge poster of pictures from the year. I have it printed up with the year and then "A Year to Remember." I've had a hard time thinking very positively about that poster for this year. 2011 will always be the year of 3 major family deaths in 9 months. How could I possibly find 10 pictures to celebrate this year, much less 30?


But there is plenty to celebrate this year. Plenty of joys to off-set the pain. I'm trying to see those moments as gifts from the Lord. Times of rest to help me reflect, recharge and refocus before dealing with whatever comes next. I am so thankful for that gift of Sabbath.

Lead Me to Rest (part 1)

The Women's Ministry group at church planned a Saturday Sabbath event recently. We have been so disconnected from church this year as we have been away so much, I felt like it would be a good way to reconnect.


But I had to wonder about the wisdom of taking four hours away from my to do list. My house is a mess. I have piles on top of my piles. Too much to do and not enough time to do it. Up until I locked the house behind me, I wasn't 100% sure I would go. I finally decided that it was because of my mess and my piles and the trials of this year that I needed to go. And I'm so glad I did.


The ladies who planned the event did a really nice job of creating a guided experience for the day. There were multiple stations that participants could walk through at their own pace and in their own order. Some stations were visual while others were tactile or auditory. It was well designed. And I ignored every part of it.


Honestly, I just needed a good chunk of time away from my piles and my to dos and my distractions to process life. I needed time to journal and put my churning thoughts down on paper so I could get a handle on them. I needed quiet. I'm starting to wonder if this sort of personal time needs to be just as much a part of my to do list as household chores and work tasks.


I'll write a little more about my Sabbath experience later this week.

Favorite places - part 1

This week's writing prompt is about three favorite places. I am going to write about one each day.


1) Library/book store - I know, I talk about books ALL the time! But I love them. I can't help it. I love walking through the library to see what's new. I love wandering the shelves and discovering a little gem I would never have known to even look for. I love the freedom of checking things out knowing I can just return them if I don't like them. 


I love the potential in a book store or a library - the stories, the information, the ideas that are waiting to be discovered. I love the peacefulness I usually find in those places.

How you see me

Writing prompt - How do you think people see you? How do you want people to see you? How does God see you?


This one was hard for me. I have no idea how others see me. I'm often afraid people see me as someone who talks too much, someone who takes charge too much, and someone who doesn't let others in very easily.


I want people to see me as compassionate, competent, and approachable. 


I think God sees me as a flawed child who wants to get everything right but rarely does.




So, how would YOU answer these questions?

Marriage

Writing prompt - What does marriage mean to you?

To me, marriage is forever. Marriage is companionship, commitment, and sacrifice. Marriage is putting someone else's needs before your own. Marriage is partnership. Marriage is communication, especially about your expectations. Marriage is ups and downs. Marriage is hard work and great bliss. Marriage is being known. 

So, what does marriage mean to YOU?

A Happy List

Today's writing prompt is - 10 things that make you happy and why?


1. My son - He's an interesting boy with a lot of interests and great conversational skills. I love talking with him and hearing what is on his mind.
2. My husband - I enjoy talking with him and spending time together.
3. Kindergarteners - In general, I am not a "fan" of young children. I thought my son's kindergarten class was okay, but once he moved on, I was ready to leave kindergarten behind. This year I have two kindergarten classes that come to the library and I adore them. They make me smile. They are fun, excited about things going on in their lives, and they want to read books.
4. My work - I can't imagine what this fall would have been like if I hadn't had this new job to throw myself into. I look forward to going to school every day, eager to see my students.
5. Book release Tuesdays - I love going to the bookstore on Tuesdays and checking out new books. I keep track of when new books are coming out and I love to see those books in person.
6. The Green Bay Packers - I love cheering for my Packers every week!
7. Talking to people about books - I love when kids come into our library and tell me what they thought of the book they read. I love talking to strangers in the bookstore about books. I love talking with the tweens at church about favorite series like Harry Potter or 39 Clues or Mysterious Benedict Society or Heroes of Olympus.
8. New cross stitch magazines - Honestly, I love most crafting magazines - quilting, card making, scrapbooking, etc., - but cross stitch is my current favorite. 
9. Psych - Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster are my favorite fellas on television. I love watching them banter on TV and reading about them in paperbacks. The gang from Big Bang Theory are a close second.
10. Laughing with family and friends - I spent a lunch hour at school the other day laughing. We laughed about 80s fashion and things we did as kids. It felt great. Fellowship and laughter make me happy.


So, what makes YOU happy?

10 Things

I've got another writing prompt for today - What are 10 things you want to accomplish by the end of the year?


Wow! The end of the year is less than 3 months away! I can't say I will be sad to see 2011 move behind me. This has been a cruel year.


Okay - 10 things


1. Add at least 30 new books to the school library's catalog and shelves.
2. Clean and organize my house so that I feel like I could have someone over without embarrassment.
3. Hold a book fair at least as successful as last year.
4. Clean out the magazine box of "new" magazines I haven't gotten around to reading.
5. Clean off crafting table.
6. Move scrapbook albums into new shelves (which means the new shelves have to be built)
7. Finish a cross stitch project started already
8. Organize enough of my work to be able to take most of Christmas break "off."
9. Finish a book on my Nook
10. Survive the rest of the year's estate activities for Dad.










So, what 10 things (or 5 things or 3 things) do you want to accomplish by the end of the year?

Secret

Question for the day: Tell about a time you did something in secret.


When my son and I were in Wisconsin taking care of my dad's house, we talked with friends about things we needed to do to thank people. I had a huge list of thank you notes that needed to be written, but I thought there might be folks who needed something MORE.


We realized that, while we wanted to thank Dad's friends for taking such great care of him over the last year (taking him to chemo and dr. appointments, visiting him at the house and in the hospital, etc.), they wouldn't let us do much for them.


So, my son and I went to the restaurant where these guys always meet for breakfast every Tuesday. We timed it so we got there early enough to already be eating when they arrived. We said hello, chatted, and then left with the check for their entire group. I wish I could have been there when they asked their server for the check and she told them it was already taken care of.


It was a great feeling!








So, have you ever done anything in secret?

It's time

Question of the day: Finish this statement - "It's time for me to start_________."

It's time for me to start getting my groove back. Things are piled around my house and I seem to be several steps behind all the time. I'd like to get back to a routine that feels right for us. I'd like to get into a flow where I have time for all the things that make me feel like me - reading, blogging, spending time online and time with family. I want to feel like my life is manageable again.

Now the question for me is how do I get there? I feel like I need a week of doing nothing to get on track (if not ahead). That's not going to happen for awhile.

I probably need to just spend a few days compiling a list of all the things that need to be done and then start scheduling each task. Little by little I can start reclaiming my life. I just have to get started with something.

So, how about you? What is it time for you to start?

First things

Question for the day: What's the first thing you think of when you wake up? Is that a good thing or something you want to change?


In general, my first thought is "Do I have time to hit the snooze or do I have to get up right now?" It's probably a sign that I need to get more sleep. 


My next thought usually has to do with "How much are my feet going to hurt when I stand up?" Standing in class all day has been killing my feet. I have finally found some shoes that actually feel good on my feet after a normal day, but I still have to undo the damage done those first few weeks.


I guess, all things considered, those are too bad, are they?








So, what do you think of first thing in the morning?

Three Things, part 2

Another journalling prompt asked me to pick three things - this time, three things that make a day better.


Here are my three:
1) Snuggling with my son. It won't be long before he's too big and/or decides he's too old to hang out with Mom. I want to soak up as much time being physically close to him before he outgrows that connection.


2) Reading. Losing myself in a book for awhile makes a day feel "right." I have so many books I want to read - and should read - I also feel some pressure to read and keep up, so the more I read, the better I feel about that.


3) Connecting with people. Tweeting things people connect with, making a comment on a blog or a Facebook post, a fun talk with my husband while we watch TV, lunch out with a friend. All of these things make me feel better about life.


4) Singing. Yeah, I know I was supposed to choose three, but I honestly feel better if I have some time each day to sing a little - really belt something out without worrying about anyone watching or listening.

Doubt and Insecurity

One post in the journalling series was about a new book that talks about doubt and insecurity. So the challenge was to journal about those things. This is what I wrote:






I read a great book by Kevin Lehman (the birth order guy) called What Your Childhood Memories Say About You. In it, he asks readers to finish the statement, "I feel I matter in life when...."


I jotted some ideas in the margin as ways I could answer that, but the one that really clicked was, "I feel I matter in life when I get things right."


My doubts and insecurities are directly related to that core of perfectionism. When I make a mistake, I berate myself, kicking myself over and over about how I goofed. When I'm in a situation where I'm in over my head, I second guess the decisions that led me there. I think longingly of the last place I was where I felt like I knew what I was doing. I hate feeling incompetent.


Several years ago, when I was working daily with recovering addicts who were also mentally ill, I did a session with my clients where I played a Steven Curtis Chapman song called, "Burn the Ships." The chorus and bridge say


Burn the ships, we're here to stay
There's no way we could go back
Now that we've come this far by faith
Burn the ships, we've passed the point of no return
Our life is here
So let the ships burn
Nobody said it would be easy
But the one who brought us here
Is never gonna leave us alone


For addicts, the correlation is clear - they have to leave their old life and old friends behind if they want to be in recovery. This chorus returns to me in those moments of doubt and insecurity. I have to tell myself that I am in the place I'm supposed to be, I will learn what I need to learn, I will build competence in time. I have to close the door on the idea of going back to what was comfortable and embrace the new challenge. Some times that is a lot harder than others!

The Nicest Thing

Another journalling question from Cheaper by the Dozen.


What is the nicest thing someone has recently said to you? Why did the compliment matter?


After a day of meetings at my new job, a co-worker popped her head into the library and said, "I appreciate you."


I have no idea what prompted her to say it. I am always self-conscious after events like that one, afraid that I talked too much, feeling a little like an outsider still, wondering where I fit in. 


This is a woman I hold in high regard. She has scads of experience that she offers in a gracious, helpful way. She is a professional, taking her role - but not herself - seriously. She is organized. She follows and enforces the rules. She is classy. And she said she appreciates me.


I don't know if it was prompted by something I did or something I said or if it was just a general word of encouragement, but I really appreciated it.

Three Things

I follow a blogger who was posting journalling questions back in August. Over the next few weeks I'll be posting my responses to some of her questions. I'd love to hear your responses!


What are three things you would change about your life right now and why?


1) Dad would still be alive. I miss calling him and talking to him. He is missing a great chapter in my life and I would love to share it with him.


2) My husband and I would have maintained our healthier Weight Watcher's lifestyle from 5 years ago. I think we would both feel better if we had stayed with that.


3) I would have started my job a month sooner so I would have had more time to prepare and feel really ready. Right now I feel like I am a step or two - or twelve - behind when I'd like to be a step or two ahead.


So, what would you change? Post your list or a link to your list!